How your anxiety affects your children - and dog

You may not realise that I work in several capacities, apart from just being a homeopath.  I have worked in a primary school for a couple of years now, working with reception children and infants.  I am also a dog trainer, teaching classes for the last 12 years – I teach 5 classes a week and specialise in working with fearful, anxious and reactive dogs.

During my time in school I find it really interesting to see what things children are scared or anxious about and why they hold these fears. These range from the usual – fear of trying new things, anxious about insects, clowns or puppets, anxiety about performing in front of you (but will in front of their peers).  Some are more extreme – fear of candles being lit (in case everything catches fire – so only a man can light candles), snow (as its dangerous in case you fall), children who are selectively mute (can be a control issue but can be driven by massive fear), hysterical fear of spiders, heights (not a huge height, but up 1 step off the ground), water (even a paddling pool) and buttons (so no polo shirts can be worn, only a t-shirt).

Some of these are more straightforward to understand as more rational fears – anxious about performing in front of others, or trying new things in case you get it wrong and feel bad (driven often by a lack of self-confidence) – this is often changed over time as they see other children get things wrong and yet its safe and as they gradually grow in confidence.

However some are really extreme to watch – a normally happy child becomes almost hysterical because a tiny fly appears.  A fear of wasps is more understandable, especially if you have been stung before – but a tiny fly?

Some children are shy and so loath to try new things or speak their ideas, others are highly competitive and so get really anxious in case they don’t win, and others are just nervy “highly strung” kids who worry about seemingly everything!  But how much of this is learnt by our children? How much responsibility do we have to identify and address these fears?

I think (as a parent myself) that we have to step back and look at our own anxieties and see if we are transferring them to our children.  For example, a small boy in my school is scared of wearing buttons, but so is his dad… How has this child become afraid of buttons? It’s not the most common of things to feel anxious about and does cause problems for him (and his mum) as he gets really anxious if she tries to put a normal shirt on him. So some fears are modelled and children learn them as the norm – like being hysterical around tiny flying insects, or not going up 1 step on a ladder in case you fall and hurt yourself.

Another thing I see is children – often the very academic – listening to adult conversation without really understanding (as they lack the maturity) and then becoming anxious.  For example one small boy was paranoid about getting hurt and would become frantically anxious if he tripped over, becoming hysterical if he grazed himself enough to draw blood.  Through conversations with his mum it turned out she was back and forth to the GP and spent lots of time discussing illnesses with her family so he had become paranoid about it.  His mum had no idea that her anxieties about health had been transferred so dramatically to her son.

So, observe your children closely and look at whether they are learning anxieties from you, or from someone else close to them…  Often it means that we have to put our own fear down very deep inside and model to the children that its safe – never easy but with the added bonus that our own fears get smaller.

The effect of your anxiety on your dog

And how do your anxieties affect your dog? Believe it or not, your emotions and body language speak far louder to your dog than your actions. At dog training we see lots of dogs who become far more anxious because of their owners – when we take the dog, it becomes far calmer.

One dog we work with is very anxious around other dogs – this shows itself as lunging and barking madly.  The handler gets tense when another dog is anywhere in sight – her hands clench on the lead, or she winds it around her hand – the dog immediately throws itself around and barks – even if it cannot see the dog.  This dog is triggered to be reactive by her handler.  Conversely if we take the dog and leave her lead very lose and ignore her initial barking, although she bobs up and down and barks, its far less intense and she calms much more quickly.

Often we see people who are anxious about their small dogs – they carry them around, or don’t let them go near any bigger dog.  Small dogs are frequently anxious – in part as they haven’t been allowed enough socialisation but also because their owners react negatively (and sometimes hysterically) if another larger dog tries to play!

We teach handlers to take a deep breath in and then slowly out, focussing on relaxing themselves and deliberately not looking at the thing which they feel anxious about.  You need to move slowly and calmly away – whistling or singing to yourself works really well.  It sounds a bit crazy – but trust me – it really works!